Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Zoom Meeting]

Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.

Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.

Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.

Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs

Them: I think she already named them.

His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.

So we got a goldfish…

Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person

I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters

Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.

fedex guy: here’s your package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*

me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia

*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”

Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-

Me: I’ll take it.

Them: Sir?

Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.

Interviewer: Why should we hire you?

Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.

I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.

there are two kinds of people:

those who only want you for Christmas
and those who expect a fruit tree, a shit ton of birds, dancing servants, expensive jewelry, and a musical band

and they marry each other

Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.

We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.

Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.

Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.