Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
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– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.