Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
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“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
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This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
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Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
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When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho