I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
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Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”