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all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
he’ll never suspect a thing
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.