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When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
beavers are so funny why are you a little rat doing hydraulic engineering
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.