plums roundup
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Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE