plums roundup
You Might Also Like
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Boeing astronauts this morning trying to book a return trip with Uber
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Hello 911, something is wrong with my teenager and he won’t tell me what it is
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
Body: it’s sleepy time.
Brain: it’s thinky time.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets