plums roundup
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Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
catch me on valentine’s day like
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
My life coach traded me.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client