Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away

a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”

I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.

[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*

You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.

Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly

Landscaper: sounds like bullshit

Farmer: yes exactly

If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.

#Caturday

Thick as shit.

I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”

Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.

Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.

POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.

How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.

I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person

[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.

Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.

I know this now 😂

I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing

If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx

Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case

Word: sweet, I’ll change the font

Me: no no keep the font

Word: ok I’ll just change the size

Me: please keep the size the same

Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol

Things will get butter, keep churning

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.

Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!

HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye