Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!

ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.

It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else

DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*

This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.

I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time

Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?

Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.

You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.

ME: I had salmon for lunch

WIFE: the L is silent, idiot

ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch

“It’s been months since I got laid.”

– Baby chickens

[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*

[Kid Training Headquarters]

Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS

Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes

One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

Be kind. You never know who has been asked to make four different kinds of potato dishes for each member of their family

ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please

WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?

ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian

Me: you can just buy them?