[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
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The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
“Knight to f3”
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
i always get gatorade and gasoline confused. my car is real good at sports and im dead
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
[spider confronting me]
him: yo did you steal my coat?
me: [wearing 8-sleeved coat] no this is mine