Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
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Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now