Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
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please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
i want it utterly assaulted.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.