Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
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Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.