@Contwixt

Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.

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@FinallyHeSleeps

Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.

Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.

@jlock17

If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.

@six_2_and_even

*dog watching me feed cat*
-I honestly can’t remember the last time I had food.
-I fed you exactly 1 minute ago
-has it been a week I think it’s been a week

@GrantTanaka

alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap

@WilliamRodgers

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

@hell_homer

This is your brain: [hippo standing in a field] This is your brain on twitter: [100s of people surround the hippo patting it rhythmically]

@Darlainky

Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?

@TheMichaelRock

Me: Quit talking down to me like I don’t know shit about technology!

12yo: Sorry…

Me: That’s ok. Now fix the router.

@SpenceDen

Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”