Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
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If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
*dog watching me feed cat*
-I honestly can’t remember the last time I had food.
-I fed you exactly 1 minute ago
-has it been a week I think it’s been a week
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
This is your brain: [hippo standing in a field] This is your brain on twitter: [100s of people surround the hippo patting it rhythmically]
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: Quit talking down to me like I don’t know shit about technology!
Me: That’s ok. Now fix the router.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”