Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
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I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah