Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
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*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Wife: Can you turn on the computer?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]
Wife: why for everything
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Covid like
Genius idea!!
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.