Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
You Might Also Like
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Orange is oranging 🟠
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
cause of death:
autopsy.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?