Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
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When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
I mean…but I did
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.