Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
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As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
diva inflation rises at an alarming rate
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.