PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
You Might Also Like
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
