Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore

Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7

Me: same thing

Him: I think we should see other people

Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why

Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..

I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.

Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.

My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.

Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:

My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel

If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them

I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.

I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves

Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.

One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.

—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.

—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.

Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.

My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.

Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.

[texting with new girlfriend]

Her: What are you doing tonight?

Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp

Her: You’re adorable

I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.

Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!

Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.

PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.

Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.

not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh

I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.

[first date]

Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?

Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*

Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.

If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five

me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*

ME: we sure have one great kid

WIFE: we have two kids

ME: yes we do