PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
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My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
My Guy
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.