PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
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[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat