PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
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Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.