PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
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When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Monday?
No. Next question.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers