Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.

I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.

Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.

Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.

I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

“I’m Bond. James Bond”.

Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.

I’m Evil. Ken Evil.

[speeds cycle up ramp]

[jumps 8 cars & a bus]

Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”

before therapy: i hate people

after therapy: i feel good about hating people!

Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…

Me: I’m Absolutely broke

State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!

#wtfuture

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?

Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?

*does Basic Instinct leg cross*

*remembers I’m wearing jeans*

OK hear me out, A corn dog except it’s just a hotdog on a stick covered in onion rings.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: buy her dinner

me: ok

[later at the restaurant]
her: what?

me: I said how much do you want for your burger?

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin

No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.

[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-

Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.

Mugger: Give me all your money!

Me: Ok

Mugger: *suddenly poorer*

Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.

Me: Sorry, I will be out of town

Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?

Me: I’m free June 10.

[paying at chipotle]

ME: i got a burrito

CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars

ME: with guac

CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.