PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
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The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents