PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
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Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
zone out
It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!