Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’

I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.

The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.

Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”

Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”

Anything is free if you can outrun security.

The more you know.

“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.

i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

if a baby cow is a calf then a baby horse should be a half ok thank you i won’t be fielding anymore questions at this time.

Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂

My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the livingroom. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?

Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.

“I’m Bond. James Bond”.

Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.

I’m Evil. Ken Evil.

[speeds cycle up ramp]

[jumps 8 cars & a bus]

I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me

boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ

When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.

I would feel bad about teasing my brother about the cow scaring him but one dark night my dog chased an armadillo & the armadillo slammed into my front door while I was reading & tried to CLAW its way into my house & I screamed & it’s still known as “The Night Of The Armadillo”

[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback

-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.

ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.

wife: I want you-

me: [takes off clothes]

wife: -to do the laundry

me: [puts them in washer]

“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”

Lol #dogsoftwitter

LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.

[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.