Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Me making playground small talk with other parents*

“Congrats on the sex bro”

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*

relationship status:

[ ] single

[ ] taken

[X] waiting for the spaceship to return

me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please

you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it

well this is just bullshirt

ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.

I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult

Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.

I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that

Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is

Calls restaurant:

Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.

I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.

“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”

If you purchase flame retardant pants, you can tell all the f****ng lies you want.

Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!

“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards

I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut

In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness

If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.

You better watch out

Thankfully the Five Guys employee offered me a fixed low interest rate loan so I could buy the cheeseburger with two patties

My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.