PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
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My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂