Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”

If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.

You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.

Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!

Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk

Poltergeist: throws dishes

Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here

The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.

We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no

Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!

I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.

Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’

“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”

Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea

Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles

PSA: be sure to put your cup underneath the coffee maker before you turn it on

I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.

I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…

I hope everything is ok.

No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.

Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body

To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:

Don’t
Be
On
Fire

Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”

It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.

Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.

My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.

Nobody ever collects famous first words.

Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home

Brownies: you lied