PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
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Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.