Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.

So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.

Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something

My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.

Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.

She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.

The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.

A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.

Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.

rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.

Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.

ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting

My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be

I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.

Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.

Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?

Me: Cosmetic.

I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.

Cinema or bowling

my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.

how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll

Broke a plate. Now it’s Canadian.

If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?

Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.

When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.

Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.

They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?

The night is dark and full of terrors.

My day is long and full of meetings.

Same thing.

I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer

Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.

I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism

If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.

Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!

Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)

Hubs: Never mind

Me: Smart move