Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sneaking up behind people and marrying them

Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?

In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.

Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.

me: want to go to the ice rink?

friend: i can’t stand ice skating

me: you’ll be able to with practice

Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.

Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.

If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.

*lays down on the battlefield*

You all go on without me. I’m tired.

I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.

“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”

The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

Me: you married?

Him: separated

Me: your wife know about that?

my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is

me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too

For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.

Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad

all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.

🪶

Only you can prevent podcasts

A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.

I thought: “No whey, Jose.”

The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.

The defense rests your honor.

*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*

Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!

Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.

*watches Beauty and the Beast*

*looks at dirty dishes in sink*

WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!

Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass

Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.