Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
