Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!

genie: what’s your 3rd wish

me: i wish u had amnesia

genie: what’s your 1st wish

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE

If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.

Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.

“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower

I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.

Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.

Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.

Freezing cake does not impede eating.

Stiff calories are still delicious.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.

Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?

Croc store. Rooster walks in.

Salesman: How may I help you?

Rooster: A Croc or two will do.

I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.

I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.

Judge: I’d like to call recess.

Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!

Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.

GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is

ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal

GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good

Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.

[aircraft carrier]

*paints a T on the helipad*

Captain: No it has to have an H

Me: Why?

*train sounds approaching*

Captain: Oh dear god

My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

I don’t have time to get to know you

Be cool immediately

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.

Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock

my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job