Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?

My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage

I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat

[Being murdered]

Me: You’re stabbing wrong

Murderer:

Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work

[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

[in bed]

Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…

Me: *removes ear plugs*

*removes sleeping mask*

*removes snoring strip*

*removes mouth guard*

Hey…

Husband: *sleeping*

Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate

Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.

*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU

According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.

me: point taken lol

guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening

Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.

Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂

If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.

Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?

Are aliens their primary customers?

[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottle

Waiter: One ketchup coming up

that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.

If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”

My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?

Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

[the inventor of corn chips]

What if knives were delicious?