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I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Genius.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS