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Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
My 8yo ran inside and scooped up a huge handful of halloween candy to sell to the neighbor kids, and when I told him to just give them out, responded with: they can have the first one free, then they have to pay
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
the icebreaker
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Finally!
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.