Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
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You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Love the Deepseek app, using it to organize all my finances and passwords. They make it so easy
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
