Podcasts are like having real friends. This is insulting to your actual friends, but they brought that on themselves.
You Might Also Like
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
dictator is short for richard potato
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Monday?
No. Next question.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
welp
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.