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McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
True statement👍😏😁
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.