Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
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Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.