Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
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[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)