Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

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Expectations vs. Reality

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*

I love the National Park Service.

7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”

Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”

ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.

DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea

95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing

If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.

*guy getting eaten by a shark*

Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.

Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.

If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.

me: no shoes in the house

murderer: sorry

Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.

Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.

Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.

So, I guess it’s hereditary.

If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.

What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.

You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?

Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.

Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.

No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.

Women because they’re embarrassed

Men because they’ll start laughing

I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment

A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.

[Couples Therapy]

HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead

HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26

ME: OMG SEE!

Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.