Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me as a lawyer:

-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail

JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger

PRODUCER: nice

JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor

PRODUCER: what

JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler

PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim

It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.

“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl

Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.

I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.

Do not go gentle into that good night,

Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.

What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly

Great acting.. 😂

Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍

One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.

CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.

72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response

I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt

After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit

Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business

If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

Winning a game of chess: I am a being of pure logic… pure rationale… I should try out for Mensa… I should call the pentagon and see if they need my services…

Losing a game of chess: This game is essentially a toy. Oooo I moved my horsey. The one with the pointy hat goes eoou

Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.

If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off

Bank: your credit card payment is late

Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate

Bank: what

Me: nothing what do I owe

16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?

Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.

16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.

Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.

16: Exactly, pick something else.

Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?

Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.