@KeetPotato

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

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@didifalldown

[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders

@addyosmani

Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*

~ Developers

@DanMentos

the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks

@marbletonemedia

I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles

@BCMontgo

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*

@RachelNoise

Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.

@thecrabbyhook

You know how one lie leads to another? Well, to cut a long story short, my 7yo daughter now thinks she’s allergic to owls.

@SteveSuckington

What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?