poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
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Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
smartest karate player in the world
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)