@KeetPotato

poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

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@justokpanda

Lemons are ok but in some other dimension when life hands us tambourines we make dragon nests and it’s kind of hard not to be bitter about that

@AHundredElbows

[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota

@DurtMcHurtt

ME: welcome to my man cave.

PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

@MissWont

It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.

@RodLacroix

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

@NJPsychDoc

Marriage has taught me that communication is key. I talk to my therapist & she talks to hers. Its not perfect, but its progress.

@tsm560

One day I’ll take a trip around the world to see if people are this stupid everywhere.

@blaudiablogan

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.