Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
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Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
You know how one lie leads to another? Well, to cut a long story short, my 7yo daughter now thinks she’s allergic to owls.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Cats have tails so you can swing them around. Duh.