poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out

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Lemons are ok but in some other dimension when life hands us tambourines we make dragon nests and it’s kind of hard not to be bitter about that


[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota


ME: welcome to my man cave.

PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.


It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.


My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.


Marriage has taught me that communication is key. I talk to my therapist & she talks to hers. Its not perfect, but its progress.


One day I’ll take a trip around the world to see if people are this stupid everywhere.


It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.