poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
You Might Also Like
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Just as the prophecy foretold
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.