Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing

Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.

Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car

May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.

I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

Perfect.

Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.

My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.

Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.

My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat

Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

🤣😂🤣😂

It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t

ME: [staring off into distance]

HER: what’s wrong?

M: nothing

H: talk to me

M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump

Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it

I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.

covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers

If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.

Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines

I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.

I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner!

[real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*

4: Mommy, I need a snack

Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!

4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.

Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?

4:…. YESSSS

who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.

Yes, I am a fully grown woman.

No, I won’t leave this ball pit.

1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers

#NoRestForTheWicked