Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*

Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*

ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*

With the year coming to a close, please remember to send all apologies and confessions of love to my email before January. I will be refreshing my inbox every 30 minutes. Thank you.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

[knock at door]

ME: yes?

COP: is there a party going on?

ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-

[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE

Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!

*undresses on the run like Superman*

Be right up!

*stands naked in doorway*

Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi

Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’

Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out

Good day meowlady

* tips cat

ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume

“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”

-the new GPS app from Allrecipes

Therapist: What brings you here today?

Me: I’m a middle child.

Therapist: I see, classi..

Me: In between two sets of twins.

Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.

They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.

Typos are what differentiates is from robots

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.

Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee

Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.

“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*

Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.

half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.

firemen keep harvesting my cat tree

No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole

There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together

Her: I don’t see color

Me: They make glasses for that now