Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.

Feel. He’s so soft.

rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.

Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”

When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.

one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭

Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.

For the orator and chef in all of us

Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.

-me, reading the Pringles can.

There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT

Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.

if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal

[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we

Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.

Please send chickpeas.

my favorite gender

I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now

Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.

I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!

6:There’s a monster under my bed

Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM

6:SCREAMS

ME:KIDDING it only eats kids

This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!

How do you get down from an elephant?

You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese