Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.

Stranger: No.

“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.

“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon

Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??

Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*

Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”

Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming

Matrix: Renovations

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first

DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x

Cinematography is my passion

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing

At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip

I put the p in pants.

It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child

The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem

You can catch a lot of flies with honey, but you can catch more honeys by being fly

Put the is in disheveled

There is no try. There is only give up.

Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep

just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye

11: You take a lot of naps

Me: Well you weren’t using them

“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”

– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate