Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?
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Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with “Dearly Beloved”.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes