Poetry is low key problematic. Writing down your feelings in an abstract way and then putting the emotional labor of processing it on me? You know I’m an empath right?
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“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume