Poetry is my passion
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Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. sorry bad punctuation. I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month
A Story in Three Acts
I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.
II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.
***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***
III. Noooooooooooooooo
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
“It’ll be dead soon. Nature abhors a vacuum.”
-commentsivehadafew
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.