Poetry is my passion
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nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
😲 WTF? 😆
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
incredible book dedication
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god