Poetry is my passion
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Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
i wish we could shoplift online
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Some of y’all tomorrow …
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
good let them take over I have had enough
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.