Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.

I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.

Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now

When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.

It sounds better than stalking.

Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…

It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.

BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool

ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah

Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.

RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa

Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.

Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…

How to lose a gf:

Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*

For the baby who has everything

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.

“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”

*sigh*

“Because you don’t b-”

“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”

[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog

Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses

Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane

🤣🤣

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

[inventor of teapot]

“I want this water to scream”

My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.

[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here

if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.

1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.

2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.

If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.

I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.

A completely valid reaction tbh

On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…

A cold that will last all week

When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked