Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.

My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”

ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something

Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”

I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.

If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.

What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?

Unemployed

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?

me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets

manager: can I talk to you

my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car

Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.

I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.

“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist

My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.

If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.

WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*

Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.

We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace

You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking

Not all heroes wear capes…

Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?

Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning

Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”

16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”

*plays The Smiths

Me: Uncontrollable weeping

*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*

Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.

Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.

Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive

[first day on the job at a mattress store]

Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.

Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.

if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi

😂😂