Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.

“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain

Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.

I promise to sing for you.

Then you can decide what’s worse.

My libido: please have sex

My social anxiety: by yourself

DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*

I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.

Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”

I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.

When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”

Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again

Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”

My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.

Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?

I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.

“You got any plans tonight?”

Me: Yeah, sorry I do

The plans:

what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti

I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits

I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.

I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.

My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.

Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”

Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”

Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”