Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.

lawyer: i think you mean alleged.

me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.

“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.

me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg

me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie

[looking at my pill caddy]

My wife: Are these… M&M’s?

Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed

I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”

“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming

💀😭

Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!

Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?

Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.

Dorothy: …What else you got?

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

Monday

[puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year

Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.

Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first

I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.

If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.

If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox

What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.

My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.

Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip

Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time

My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol

Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled

All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.

WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?

ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well

going to rock bottom do you guys need anything

i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket

What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?