Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
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I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
We’re all getting idioter.
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
where do you see yourself in five years?
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.