Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?

After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.

[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.

I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.

Day 2 of my diet

9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.

Me: That would be a plane.

9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.

Me: So, a helicopter then.

9: No no small like a drone.

Me: …..

You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.

The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.

Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?

My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half

In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.

My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.

I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe

The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.

me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!

boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course

me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!

I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.

Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*

Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport

Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.

What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,

but Chickpeas

can just hummus one.

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”