Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot

If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.

*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*

They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.

20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.

30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.

40s: What thread count are your sheets?

him: what are you thinking about rn

me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack

I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.

The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.

Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏

[hospital]

Me: how is he?

Her: he’s in the burn ward

Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks

One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.

[Valentine’s Day]

me: *gets divorced*

[24 hours earlier]

me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this

“You’re great in bed.”

— me, talking to my breakfast

“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.

Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.

If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.

If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again

And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.

I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.

You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.

I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.