Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: Pop the champagne

you: Yay! What are we celebrating?

me: what

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.

A farmer asked his neighbor

“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”

“Castor oil”

The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”

“Killed mine too”

HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?

Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.

Did you even think about that??

I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.

If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president

*working in pediatric ER*

me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!

kid: what is that *points to badge*

me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha

kid: it looks the same today

me:

They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.

But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…

PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?

Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.

doing some research

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card

Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?

How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping

Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n

It’s fitting to watch a Mike Tyson fight with the picture clarity of an 80’s TV.

If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake

[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.

OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!

Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.

Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.

Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:

1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type