Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
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I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.