*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
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Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
I feel like one of these would kill a European
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”