Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself

Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*

Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine

“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England

Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.

Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.

“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.

[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.

10: Mom.

Me: What!! It’s late.

10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

Hurricane Diary

Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster

Day 2)I am out of snacks

I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.

Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?

Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.

I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.

He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!

#jokes

I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.

I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.

mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?

me: i was driving

mom: where are you now?

me: walking the dog

mom: you need better excuses

me: it’s the truth

mom: then put the dog on

me: he’s uh driving

There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her

[quietly opens a beer]

Funeral Director: seriously?!

Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]

Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!

Me:

FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY

*first date*

Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*

“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”

On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks

You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children

candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed

captain: any leads in the diarrhea case

detective: nothing solid