*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
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once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
This is a bad sign
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Candles never taste the way they smell
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card