Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.

Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish

Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*

Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home

Me: Holy shit

Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue

Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?

It was less hassle.

I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭

science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

There are four main food groups:

1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried

why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex

I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral

Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?

Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.

Guard: visiting hours are up.

Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine

Judge: Still guilty.

Hello Darkness my old friend.

Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.

Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring

[HR office]

HR: you know why you’re here, right?

Me:

HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it

wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened

me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing

when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.

now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks

I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.

They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?

when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.

[Me flirting with a twenty something]

Him: When last did you get lit?

Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

Wife: I hate that thing

Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!

Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico

Me: It’s a collector’s item!

Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”

Me:

Wife:

Me: You want me to toss it?

Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.