[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
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In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Made something I’m not proud of
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”