Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.

[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..

Creator of Etch A Sketch:

We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

A: ink & suction cups

G: Hmmm..

Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.

Have a nice day 🙂

“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.

Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.

pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end

RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No

so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.

My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.

[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this

My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.

“Operator, run this licence plate please

Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”

– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.

Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…

“OMG DAD. WOW-”

…dboard box.

“But-”

Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.

[4:30 AM]

Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep

Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen

Wait a second…

Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.

You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.

My body is a “wonder what happened” land

Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi

[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”