[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
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Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
man i love columbo
Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
Found the job I’m suited for
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*