*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
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There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
The game has officially changed 😎
god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You